Alternatives To Toilet Paper During The Apocalypse
The world is ending and some jack-holes bought all of the toilet paper on God's green earth so in addition to worrying about the future of humanity, we all have to deal with itchy butts as well. This, for some, is just too much. As soon as the pandemic was announced, and the prospect of being locked inside for an indeterminate amount of time became a real thing, there was an immediate run on toilet paper. You could not find a paper product from a napkin to a paper towel in any store, any city, or even online...which is really strange because I can order a $30 tattoo gun starter kit (which does not seem like enough money), A 10-Ton Hydraulic Log Splitter in attractive forest green, hell I can even order one of THESE if you can believe that! But toilet paper? Sorry bud, you might be stinkfingering for the foreseeable future.
All is not lost. As an expert internet farmer, and black belt Google-Fu master, I have found these replacement back door solutions. Full disclosure - this is not a one size fits all solution if you know what I mean. Butt wiping is a spectrum and what seems like a viable solution to one person may be less than satisfactory to another. This is why I have found this various assortment of tools and processes for your tools and processes. You can order these items from Amazon but you should probably not wait until all of these items are bought up by the hoarders. My next list of 3rd-tier backdoor choices are going to be entirely less user friendly than these options:
This is a 5000 Count of Hammermill Premium Multipurpose Jam Free Copy Paper which is of unusually thick stock for that extra clean feeling. You definitely do not need to worry about your finger poking through this stuff...though you do want to spend some time crumpling and softening these up before use or you definitely risk perforating your rectum - damn near killed em'!
If you want to really polish things up when you are done then this DEWALT Variable Speed Buffer will get you there as fast as you want to go. This model comes with a polishing cloth to really make it shine but be sure to adjust your speed setting before use to the slowest possible setting to avoid buffing another hole into your backside. Do be warned that this solution does tend to have a little overspray so you might want to use it outside or cover your bathroom in plastic tarps for easy cleanup.
This nifty little tool is called an Eskimo Hand Auger and as you can see already from the picture it definitely will be able to help you with...er...extraction. Presumably this is how you poop in frigid subzero temperatures, in that you need to help pull things along sometimes. It is a natural evolution for the rest of the world, cold or not, to adopt this method of number two protocol.
This method is called "The Waiting Game". When everything is in lockdown then maybe it's time you locked things down as well. Limit your food consumption and size-up your cork as needed to deal with the increasing pressure over time. Some people might say that this is a terrible idea and will never work, but these people underestimate how stubborn I am, and how unhappy I am with the current run on toilet paper. Maybe I am just not going to play your little game. I am shutting it down until further notice! Cram in a cork and keep it there with this if I have to. I will see you all once the paper products start to flow again.
These Triple Leak Proof Diapers claim to be able to absorb and hold up to 20 times their own weight. All I can say about that is I guess we are going to find out, aren't we? While these are designed to be used by a human baby that weighs less than 35 lbs I think you will find, as I did, that there is some wiggle room in those numbers...but not in the diapers tho, nomsayin?
The original intention for this product was as the Fur-Zoff Pet Hair Remover but it was the slogan of this product that attracted me first. It's not pretty but it WORKS is just about the level of acceptable that we are all working with right now so you buy this jelly roll and stick it to the wall in your bathroom next to your toilet.
Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you the TEAM MAGNUS XL Slip & Slide With Crash Pad and Central Spray Channel. This product has been rated as vergleich (very good) by Germany's Leading Consumer Test group, apparently. Look, I am convinced already. I think this product was explicitly built for this purpose and the whole waterslide thing was a clever ruse to help them market their disgusting smut slide. Appalling. And useful.
This is the Stream Machine Double Barrel Water Launcher for when a tactical strike is your best option. As advertised this water cannon can shoot dual 3/8" thick jets of water from 70' away. You can just imagine how clean you will be when you plug it in like a light socket straight into your back door and let loose the full power of Poseidon.
I call this one the Pooper Scooper method. Crude, yes. Disgusting, also yes. Hardly effective, still yes. Mostly this solution is intended for people who want to stop eating ice cream forever.
This is a modestly sized electrically powered pressure washer. While normally used for light duty cleaning around the home, you could definitely have one of these set up in your backyard as the designated decontamination zone. Just be sure to choose the correct nozzle for a safe and wide arc spray, as opposed to the laser beam nozzle that you can use to write your name into concrete. I mean they both will get you clean to a certain degree...
This is the Honda gas powered MegaShot 3200 PSI Pressure Washer but I just like to think of it as the "trailblazer edition". Like some people drive a stock truck, but others can't get where they need to go without 4x4 low and some 33" Super Swampers if you know what I mean. If you can't see the forest for the trees then you can call this pressure washer "Moses" because it has the raw power to part the red sea...which incidentally is what you will call your taint after a few days of using this method.
When the pandemic reached other places like Italy they had shortages of flour and yeast and wine. We had shortages of toilet paper which in and of itself is an indication of a bigger problem. Hopefully you don't find yourself needing to use any of the inventive methods suggested above due to the shortage of toilet paper currently available. What is the really important thing to remember here is that all the people claiming that traditional print media is dead or dying were wrong. How great is it during a toilet paper crisis to be the guy that has eighty unread newspapers piled up in the garage. Some might call that laziness but I see it as being prepared. If you want more suggestions on being prepared check out these gift ideas for doomsday preppers, which as it turns out are all laughing right now, you just can't hear them because they are in a hermetically sealed bunker.
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